Top Seven Superheroes in Desperate Need of a Sidekick
(In no particular order)
By Len Nard
· The Punisher – We all love a big, tough, humorless badass and who’s better than good ol’ regular-sized Pun? Yup, nothing says hero like an arsenal of illegal firearms and a big skull on your chest. But, do you know what’s missing from this mountain of macho? Why, a prepubescent boy, of course. We’ll call him Kid-Punisher. Readers would be thrilled to read lines of dialogue such as,
Punisher: “Clean out the van, Kid-Punisher.”
Kid-Punisher: “Ah, gee-whiz, Punisher do I have to?”
Punisher:”You better. Or I’m gonna PUNISH you. (winks towards the reader)
· The Silver Surfer – The lonely philosopher of the cosmos. So noble. So profound. So…zzz…zzz…zzz…Oh. Sorry. Silver Surfer has that effect on me. If you were roaming the galaxies on a surfboard, wouldn’t you want an annoying teenager as your companion? Enter the Bronze Boogie Boarder. With his trusty Bronze Boogey Board, the Bronze Boogie Boarder can boogie down with the beat down! Take that, Annihilus!
· Doctor Strange – Okay, he already has Wong cramping his style, and Clea is more or less just a magical plaything. But I feel a younger version of the former Sorcerer Supreme is just what the doctor ordered. Wouldn’t it be great if Stephen uttered lines like this:
“Watch out, Dormammu! Your days are numbered! ‘Cause I got a LITTLE MAGIC up my sleeve!”
Like it? That would be his name, Little Magic. Anyway…
· Robin – As we all know, Dick Grayson was the first ever sidekick, Robin. He has since grown up. You see, he’s the other Batman. Wait…you didn’t know there’s another Batman? Actually he’s one of many Batmen. But hold on! BatDick (as I call him, so as not to confuse my loyal readers) has taken a new Boy Wonder under his batwing. He’s Damian Wayne and he’s a real tough cookie. But, isn’t it hard to be an only child in this modern era? It must be even harder to be a kid vigilante. And poor Damian is both! Today’s teenaged sidekick could use his own sidekick. Damian needs a little brother, maybe like a 5 year old, to help battle villains. Occasionally, Damian might even beat-up his little brother when he’s feeling bored. Being that he’ll be Damian’s little brother, he won’t have an original costume; he’ll have to wear Damian’s old Robin uniform. And he won’t have a snazzy name, either. He’ll be known simply as Robin’s little brother.
· Power Man – Wouldn’t it be funny if Luke Cage had an illegitimate child with Misty Knight, and the kid (named Shaqwan Cage) is always showing up to fight by his daddy’s side, and once the battle is over, Luke’s always giving Shaqwan the slip? Alright, maybe that wasn’t such a hot idea. But this one is…
· The Sub-Mariner – The original antihero, himself. I always dug Namor. I always liked how he had utter contempt for us air-breathers. He’s funny because he reminds me of the archetypal crazy girlfriend. One moment she’s baking you cookies, the next she’s castrating you in the middle of a shopping mall. Namor had that quality about him. He’s the only superhero who you can say in a single breath helped the allies win WWII, and also leveled NYC with the help of a Godzillian, walking whale just for kicks. He is that cool. Plus, how can you not like those little ankle wings? Aren’t they adorable? He’s ten times the aquatic hero than that fruit, Aquaman. But, there is one department that Aquaman totally has Namor beat. And it’s in the Department of Abused Minors. Yup, the Sub-Mariner needs his very own Aqualad. Only his watery ward shall be named Sub-Mariner-Mate, the Underwater Sailorboy. That very name should strike fear in into salty heart of Attuma.
· Rorschach – Alan Moore missed a big opportunity. Rorschach was a great character but that silly journal of his! I mean, sure it was an excellent device for conveying his innermost thoughts, but a toddler-aged Rorschach, complete with matching dirty suit and mask, is even better. Imagine the profound world view that a father like Rorschach could impart to his son. Wouldn’t it have been great to see little Inky get vaporized alongside his daddy at the hands of Dr. Manhattan? Alright. Maybe that, like this entire column, was in poor taste. Take care gentle readers, and God bless. And until then, keep it funky.