Friday, May 3, 2013

Comics Review: Scarlet Spider #16


Written by: Christ Yost
Art by: Khoi Pham
 
                “You have to leave she’s coming back everyone will die you have to leave go to Mexico like you wanted she’ll kill them all I was wrong I was wrong I’m so sorry please please you have to leave Houston.” This is a note that opens up this issue, sent to Kaine Parker by a J. Carpenter. This man is contacting him all the way from Brooklyn. Who’s “she” and why is it so grave that not even the Scarlet Spider can stop it. I mean, he stopped Carnage!...well, he made it worse, but he HELPED! Anyways, it’s a very creepy letter that I can’t wait to see panned out. In the meantime, let’s crack this one open trying not to get distracted by the beautiful cover by Ryan Stegman, a homage to…Ryan Stegman redoing the Superior Spider-Man #1 cover with Scarlet Spider thrown in there, and see what this book has in store.
                Kaine wakes up in his hotel room and automatically knows something is up. Something bad is about to happen. Its not floating, meditation Aracely, it’s not Otto beating up powerless villains in New York, its not a gang war happening on the streets of Houston, his new home, not even that creepy ass looking man spider living inside of him constantly wanting to eat. No, it is Wally and Donald dressed as cowboys. Reminding Kaine that they’re going to a rodeo. Contrary to popular belief of Houston being urban, they like to dress how the world thinks they dress for a day. Kaine very much doesn’t want to go, but somehow gets…roped…into going. See what I did there? Oh man, I’m a hoot!
                So Kaine’s being a super hard ass cuse apparently it’s the cool thing to be when you don’t wanna be at a rodeo, and in comes Annabelle. She’s looking super cowgirl fine in a shirt tied under her chest showing off her stomach, tight fitting jeans and a cowboy hat, and slowly Kaine’s starting to think maybe he wasn’t crazy for coming. Then he opens his mouth. Straight up telling Annabelle that he’s basically not excited to be there at all and that sets her off real good. She runs away crying, she’s so disappointed that the man she really likes just hates the stuff she’s into. He finally catches up to her just in time to see her big ol’ ex-boyfriend Ray being all…ex-boyfriend-y. All aggressive and pushy on her, telling her they need to talk and he’s being very tough towards Kaine. Hah, little does he know, there’s a monster inside of him that would love nothing more than to devour Ray, and just as Kaine is hinting on letting that thing out, there’s a massive rumble through the stadium.
                Beware the dreaded ARMADILLO!!! Wait, the hell? Armadillo?! Houston’s getting desperate for villains, anyway, he’s chosen the worst possible time to crash the party, Kaine’s showing in this issue that he’s got a bit of that Parker Luck that ever so closely follows Peter. He is a big ol’ thing, not gonna lie, and could probably do some serious damage except…he doesn’t wanna thrash the place. He’s actually drunk and he’s yelling to a recent girlfriend on his. They must’ve just broken up, because he’s a mess. Carrying on about being a rodeo star like how she wants. Jesus Christ, this can’t be real. Cops are getting ready to put him down when the Scarlet Spider himself arrives atop a bull with a lasso made on his webs. They both get smacked up a bit, with Armadillo drunkenly swinging his claws around very dangerously seeing how sharp they are. He’s also babbling on the whole time how his love is real, and why his girlfriend left him. Right as Kaine’s landing the final blow, Diasy, Armadillo’s girlfriend actually shows up. She runs over to him and tells him that she’s sorry about leaving him and she wants him back just the way he is. They get all lovey dovey, kiss and make up. La-dee-dah and now that THAT’S over and done with, Kaine can get back to Annabelle and sort things out. And by sort things out, I mean knock Ray on his ass with a shift punch in the jaw. Oh, and also not even talking much to Annabelle, just grabbing her and making out. That’s how you get things done Kaine, good job.
                The issue ends with a woman from the hotel showing Annabelle that letter from the beginning of the book, asking her if she could find out where it came from. Sure thing Annabelle says, except her meaning of finding out is burning it so it never existed. A very creepy way of starting the issue, and an even creepier way of ending it. What could she be up to, and what lies ahead for our protagonist Kaine Parker? Yost has been giving us bang up issue after bang up issue. One of my favorite books I’m buying right now, can’t wait to see where this goes. That’s all I gotta say for now, until next week readers!
-Matt Milanes

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