Sunday, August 11, 2013

Comics Review: Uncanny X-Men #9

Written by: Brian Michael Bendis
Art by: Chris Bachalo

Last time we left the X-Men, they had just dropped off a freaking out Fabio at his home in San Diego. After flipping on his non accepting family, Dazzler, the newest agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. showed up at the door wanting to have a chat with Fabs. Now it's time to crack open this book and see what happens next!

Everyone's yelling, fussing, fighting, screaming at each other. Fabio's family, Fabio, and Dazzler. All trying to get calm so Dazzler can simply talk to Fabio about Scott Summers, Cyclops, the leader of the now rogue X-Men. Fabio's sister pulls out an old 70's record that the Dazzler recorded, awe. As for his father, well he's not so musically inclined, he pulls out a gun. Dazzler, knowing she can take him, doesn't fret too much. Instead, she asks him if he's ever heard of or met a flash bang. It even played Call of Duty. Now for all you non CoD players out there (there are few and I love you all) a flash bang is exactly what it sounds like. It's a big bang of light, and if you're not the one setting it off, it's usually not too fun. She lets off a massive force of light, knocking everything in the house, and even across the street, all over the place. Boy does she hate getting guns pointed at her.

Over at the New Xavier School for the Gifted Cyclops and his team of X-Men are training outside. They're working with their newest mutant David on his hijacking skills. He apparently can operate large machinery with his mind. Large as in...the friggin X-Jet!!! He lifts it and sets it down all with his brain. This Uncanny feat is followed by a hilarious couple panels involving the Stepford sisters. One of them, Irma, cuts her hair and dyes it jet black. Needless to say, the other two freak the hell out! It takes Professor Frost to break up the two sisters from disassembling Irma. Magneto chooses the perfect time to check his CNN app on his phone, because he finds out that Fabio was taken by S.H.I.E.L.D. In reality, he was probably getting an update from someone at S.H.I.E.L.D. and all references to CNN or anything resembling it are purely coincidental. Now that that's over, meanwhile over on the Hellicarrier, Dazzler's still trying to interrogate Fabio, against his will. He seriously does NOT wanna be there, and how does he show that?...With his gold balls of gold! All Dazzler wants to know is what happened when Scott Summer's "kidnapped" Fabio. He lets her know that Scott ASKED, and he said yes, meaning it was consensual. HER, on the other hand, kidnapped him, since he doesn't wanna be there. Its not too long before Maria Hill and another agent figure out that maybe Scott dropped off the kid so he could watch as he was picked up, although its not true, its not a bad theory. Trying to act on it quickly, Hill calls to get the kid out of the room before...oh, never mind. Its too late. The X-Men have shown up, and they've brought a couple of their new recruits. Scott, deciding Ms. Hill needs a vacation, he has Magik send her away. A pretty beach scene somewhere far away. Back on the Hellicarrier, Tempus, the mutant who can create time bubbles, freezes all remaining S.H.I.E.L.D. agents still while Magneto opens the door to the interrogation room, revealing the Dazzler.

There's an awkward scene with the X-Men greeting Dazzler, going so far as Magik calling her a betrayer of her people. The ice breaks when she asks Cyclops what happened with Charles Xavier. He tries to explain to her that its complicated and terrible. Yeah, ok I'm breaking off for a second. I just need a moment to vent out how much I hate Scott Summers. Ready? Its not confusing dammit, YOU KILLED HIM! No excuses, man up and admit it. Aaaaaand a sigh of relief, I'm back. Scott actually offers his hand to Dazzler, willing to accept her on the team if she's willing. She doesn't take to that too kindly, and Magneto locks her back in the interrogation room, without Fabio. Now for you kids asking why Scott brought along the new kid, and I know none of you are, since I didn't mention it, he's the escape plan. The X-Men have now gotten rid of everyone who knew they were on the Hellicarrier, so no one would try to stop them, so he's gonna get them out of there. By controlling the Hellicarrier with his mind!

Agent Coulson meets up with the Dazzler later that day. He brings her some coffee that he admits is terrible, they chat for a bit, and she takes a sip of the coffee. Even she says its crap, but then she passes out. Yeah, that coffee was some serious crap. That's because it was spiked by Mystique!!! Now the alarming question is, how did she come into contact with Agent Coulson for her to be able to turn into him, and did she kill him? Maybe if she did, he'll stay dead this time. Not that I don't like him or anything, but if you're dead, you're dead. I wonder what kind of shennanigans she'll pull over the course of the next couple issues. Its almost like every time this book comes out, I'm reviewing it. Its such a good book, written well by Bendis. And who doesn't like 20 pages of diagonal art by Bachalo? I also love seeing the repercussions of last summer's Avengers vs. X-Men STILL carrying on to this day, and I hope no one lets Scott live down that he killed Xavier. Even when they bring him back, I hope even Charles makes him feel like shit about it. Anyways, great book, can't wait for next issue! Until next week!

-Matt Milanes

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