Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Comics Rant: Mighty Thor #213

Story By Gerry Conway
Script By Len Wein
Pencils By John Buscema & Don Perlin
Inks By Vinne Colletta
Colors By G. Wein

It’s slavery she wrote! Again! Thor and the Warriors Three get overrun by the evil snake men lead by the equally evil SSSthgar. There was a crazy scene in this issue where Odin is all teary eyed. He’s pretty much pleading with Thor and the gang to go ahead and just submit to the snake men. You know, it just might be me, but Odin just might not seem like himself. Trust me, this will be a huge (not really) plot point later on.

Okay, so Thor and crew have been taken to a cell and tied up. SSSthgar takes no chance and chains Thor to a wall. You know, if I were an evil villian I’d do more than just tie fucking Thor up to a damn wall. I’d just kill his ass.
There would be no “I COULD kill you right here and now, Mighty Thor. But that’s too easy! I’ll just tie you up and hope that this giant vat of acid will do the trick. What could go wrong! Bwhahahaha. Now I want some cookies.”  Trust me all bad guys love cookies. It science. You can’t fight it.

Wait, where was I? Oh, Thor wakes up from his beating. Chained to the wall no less. Thor simply breaks free and starts kicking all types of bad guy ass. I could not stop cracking up when the snake men offer Thor some gruel. And not just any gruel. It was Krusty Brand Gruel. Nine out of Ten Gods can’t even tell the difference. But Thor (much like my cat) ain’t having it. He beats them up, good. (Like my cat!) The Warriors Three are acting all strange and decide they won’t help Thor and go back to their gruel. It must be good.

While making his break from the cell, Thor runs into a small troll who begs Thor for help. Thor learns that the small troll creatures once had control of the planet. That is until SSSthgar came a-calling with his crew and took it over to use it as a slaving ground. They also reveal that the gruel has a drug that keeps everyone super docile. So that’s how they did it. No wonder they kept trying to force it on Thor. Or you know, it might just have been some damn Nyquil. The smart money is on the Nyquil. Clearly.

Thor and the trolls take the time to blow up the factory that makes the drug and then turns his attention to SSSthgar. Thor comes crashing through a wall and the fight is on! Like a warm buttery substance over corn that has clearly already been popped. Yeah, that’s it. Thors beats down SSSthgar and frees his friends. SSSthgar knows that with the drug no longer readily available the people of the planet will kill him. In a last ditch effort to save his hide SSSthgar tells Thor that Sif has been sold to the Dark Nebula. Thor jumps on his flying space boat (For the record, this part really did happen.) and takes off for Asgard. Leaving SSSthgar to stay behind and cry that he will be torn apart by the people he once enslaved. Sounds like an old episode of The Outer Limits if you ask me. Okay, well maybe The Twilight Zone, really. That makes more sense. Great issue that was really fun to read. Nothing bad to say at all. Thor fighting snake men. It writes itself. Legit.

-Tash Moore

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