Monday, March 16, 2015

Comics Rant: Fantastic Four #205

Fantastic Four #205
Written By Marv Wolfman
Pencils By Keith Pollard
Inks By Joe Sinnott
Colors By Glynis Wein

By Odin’s Beard, wait, no, that isn’t right. Tash Moore here, and man, I got a kick of this retro issue of the Bronze Age Fantastic Four. Well, I wouldn’t say Fantastic Four because the Human Torch didn’t go with the FF to help the planet of Xandar. Which if you asks me, it’s pretty damn selfish. I mean, Dr. Doom didn’t even get to finish college and Johnny Storm thinks he can! Bah! Doom needs to show up in one of the classes just to throw a bottle of wine at Johnny. The goober.

But thankfully the Fantastic Four (Three?) arrive just in the
nick of time to help fight off the Skrull Armada. Once the Skrulls see it’s The Thing, they all pretty much wet themselves at the sight of his manliness, or the fact he’s a really big lump of orange rocks. I know, if Ben Grimm jumped out of my closet and yelling “Boo!” would make me crap myself. Huh? Reminds me of one Halloween. Anyway, The Xandarin’s tell Mr. Fantastic and pretty much us, the readers just why the Skrull are trying to blow Xandar to holy hell.

Turns out that the people of Xandar transfers the mind of all it’s people into this really huge computer bank. How big? Think of that episode of “The Simpsons” where Prof. Frink says that computers will be so large that and so expensive that only the three riches people on Earth would be able to own one. I think this writer clearly read Fantastic Four as a kid. Hey, it could be true. Or not. The Skrulls want the giant computer so they can use it to power their weapons. Turns out their long drawn out war with the Kree have depleted their power source. These guys clearly took a lesson about fighting wars from George W. Bush.

The Xandarian’s give Sue, Reed and Ben some Anti-Gravity belts so they can take the fight to the Skrulls in space. Ben then gets blasted out of the sky while screaming “It’s Clobberin’ Time!” Guess he didn’t get the memo that it wouldn’t be him doing said clobbering. Dang. Sue and Reed then get hit with the same funky beam that knocks them out totally. They then get pulled into the Skrull ship and taken to the Skrull home world. For what? You’ll have to come back and check out the next rant. Or go buy the issue. Whichever’s best. No  wait, come back for my rant.

Now wait, we should mention Johnny Storm. He’s in this issue, too. He’s at that fancy upstate college run by the bad guy Monocle. Johnny tries to get an early night sleep, but then is awake by the Monocle and his hypnotic ray that hit’s all the students of the school. Now they are all under his control. What this means? I don’t know. Monocle’s boss is only shown in the shadow’s so we’ll have to see what this all turns into in issue 206. Be here for that, and see if Reed and crew save the planet. I mean there’s a good chance they will, what’s the score? Skrull-0 FF-2,657? Sounds about right to me.

-Tash Moore

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