Saturday, June 13, 2015

Comics Rant: New X-Men Annual 2001

"Sideways you say?"

New X-Men Annual 2001
Written By Grant Morrison
Penciled By Leinil F. Yu.
Inks By Gerry Alanguilan
Colors Hi Fi Design

Hey, for once they have a Marvel Annual that was needed to expand the story and it wasn’t even the 1980’s. Go figure. Tash Moore and like I said in my past New X-Men rants, Grant Morrison was on fire for his first few issue’s of this title. Then we all know what happens after that. The writing starts getting all Chris Claremont types of shitty. You know it’s true, so deal with it. Ahem. The X-Men go to China to find more mutants. Mutants being to short supply because you know, Cassandra Nova fucking killed sixteen million of them! Shit, like that will make you want to seek out your own kind. Stat!

The X-Men team up with Domino who I always didn’t really care for at all. I blame the 1990’s for giving way too much apathy. It’s all the damn MTV. Meh.
So Cyclops, Wolverine and Emma Frost are sent to China to find this new mutant named Xorn. Dude has a freaking Star for a face. No amount of Clearasil could attempt to help this poor soul. He’s being held in an underground bunker. Turns out the Chinese are anti mutant. It figures. Communist, FTW!

But wait there’s more. There’s a ground of assholes called the U-Men. They steal the organs of Mutant’s and then graft them on to humans making them,….wait for it….Human plus. Whenever I type that, Grant Morrison eats something from my fridge. My poor hummus. Anyway, the U-Men by from the Chinese Government Xorn so they can harvest the poor bastard for part. And Lunch. Or maybe it was just the first one. Oh well. So yeah, lots of bad guys doing bad things.

Once the U-Men get to the base to collect Xorn, there seems to be a hitch in the plan. First the X-Men, with the help of Emma Frost, who uses her telepathic powers(you know, when she’s not a 5 foot 5 walking diamond.) to locate some of the poor mutants who have been used for spare parts if you will by the U-Men. They all look really ragged, but hey, when you’re missing wings or a kidney, looking cool ain’t on the top of your list. Or pants. So the X-Men are on the hunt, and they want to take down the U-Men. It’s on the top of their list. Right along with laundry and getting Prof. X a haircut.

At the facility where Xorn is being held the U-Men take over and try to take Xorn’s organ but he ain’t having it. He’s overloading his star face/brain or whatever and is going to blow up the planet by going Supernova. Does the Human Torch know that this guy is infringing on his gig? I bet not. So no control? No Problem. The U-Men split and Cyclops using his power of being the ultimate boy scout (TM Superman) talks Xorn down from the ledge, my friend with the power of 90’s ALT. Rock. Xorn then joins the X-Men and everyone flies home. But not before Emma Frost puts the hoochie moves on Cyclops. It was 2001, so it wasn’t too far into the future that I couldn’t use that term. Good story all around and gave Marvel’s Merry Mutants a new group of bad guys to fight who weren’t all named Magneto.

-Tash Moore

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