Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Comics Rant: Action Comics #586

Action Comics #586
Written & Drawn By John Byrne
Inked By Dick Giordano
Colors By Tom Ziuko

Superman continues his roll as the savior to Darkseid in this issue. Where we last left you, Superman had lost his memory and was put under the spell of Amazing Grace to be a slave to Darkseid. ( I didn’t make it up, folks.) But the only reason Supes is going all bad guy on us is because he was thrown into the fire pits of Apokolips. Huh, who knew that being thrown into searing hot flames would make you forget who you are? I’ll have to test this theory out. John Byrne would never lie to us. Right? (Wrong!)

Orion and Lightray of the New Gods are sent to try to make some kind of deal with Darkseid. I really can’t comment on what that deal was supposed to be. I wasn’t shelling out the $0.75 to find out. I’m not made of coins here folks. That change could be put to good use. Namely laundry, and the every once in awhile I decided to pay the parking meter. Ahem. Superman is being put threw through the wringer by Granny Goodnes, who is clearly the most laughable of the Fourth World baddies created by Jack Kirby. Superman is also still rocking an outfit that looks like something out of that shitty “Alexander” film by Oliver Stone. It looks just like something Collin Ferrel would have worn. You know, minus the bad blond dye job and piss poor acting. Yup.

Granny is whipping Superman in yet another attempt to show John Byrne ain’t a weirdo. But really, the more and more I read his work the more you get the feel that John Byrne might have been into some real out there shit. And S&M and I don’t mean Scrubbing and Mopping. (TM Marge Simpson.) With the arrival of Lightray and his homeboy Orion, Darkseid dispatches Superman to do his bidding.

Of course we get Superman in a one on two heavyweight bout with Orion and Lightray. Supes tosses Lightray aside and he almost gets seduced by Amazing Grace. Thankfully, his manly feelings for uhmm, being manly keeps him from falling into her charms. Uhm, yeah, that’s clearly it. Yup. Not other reason whatsoever. Moving on. Superman and Orion are knocking each other all over Apokolips with Darksied eats popcorn and point and laughs. Maybe not the whole popcorn thing but I’d have dug seeing that. Admit it, you would, too.

So the tale is pretty much needing to wrap up seeing as how the whole “Legends” crossover has made enough mone…I mean told it’s story. And totally not shaken down longtime DC fans for some extra cash. Nope. Not at all. Orion uses his mother box (Again, don’t ask.) to return Superman memories. Superman as you know it, ain’t too happy being used by Darkseid. So Superman gets his old uniform back and goes to attack Darksied. But Darkseid, unlike Dr. Doom, can admit to his plan going totally wrong and sends Supes back to Earth. He and Orion then laugh, then get straight up serious that one day, they’ll have it out…..to the death. You can be sure Geoff Johns it reading this and somehow trying to make this a tale to be spun in this age. Hey, if it’s one thing that guy knows is DC history. Hell, Dude did make Flash a top selling title, so the dude is gold in my book. Funky story but thankfully Byrne handling the art chores saved it.

-Tash Moore

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