Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Comics Rant: Thor #5

Thor #5
Written by Jason Aaron
Drawn by Russell Dauterman
Colored by Matthew Wilson

Damn, man. Another book colored by Matthew Wilson? This guy must never take a break. So we are in the midst of an Asgardian Civil War. Huh. If this was the 1990's they would have plastered that title all over the fucking cover of the book. Aw, you know it's true. So Thor and Odin are fighting each other. It's a fight that's been in the making since Jane wasn't Thor. She's always had beef with Odin. Back to when she wanted to marry his son, but you know, Odin was a complete ass. Even when Stan Lee was writing this guy, Odin was a complete hard ass.


Thor is fucking Odin up all over the known (and unknown) galaxy. Still makes me think that only guys who have daddy issues get the chance to write Thor. Side plot time. Malekith gets the light elf queen to marry him, then he's all like, "Naw hoe, I don't need you no more!" And tosses her to the side so he can rule both his and her kingdoms. Is Malekith somehow related to Richard Nixon? Guys like me want to know. Which I'm pretty sure is the minority.

Back over in Asgardia, which is the modern and much more liberal version of Asgard, the former Queen, Freyja is free from her cell and teams up with the Warriors Three and Sif, to fight Odin's brother Cul, who's been acting like Hitler since he was introduced some time ago.

Hey, the new version of Loki is here! You know, the one that looks like he's from the fucking movies. See, that's why I'm starting to turn against these damn Marvel movies. The editorial team is just like "fuck it" and make the comic characters look like their movie counterparts. That's why we have a black Nick Fury. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but to change the ethnicity just to fit the films or for the sake of doing it is the drizzling shits.

Loki has grown in the Freyja's crew cause he's a good guy and wants to help her and the Warriors Three and Sif. See, I don't know why anyone would ever trust this asshole. Loki stabs Freyja in the back then runs away. Which no doubt draws all the heat off of Odin and his brother and puts it all on Loki. Which was part of Loki's plan. You see, because he's evil. Glad I was able to point that out. Odin stops fighting and rushes back to Freyja. Turns out the old asshole has some bit of good left in him.

So Odin stops being an asshat (if only for a little while) then things seem to cool down just a bit, but Cul tells Loki he can get away from Asgardia but don't bring his ass back and don't let Malekith come to Asgardia to try to take it over or he'll have to wreck his blue ass. And not in the loving prison way. Back on the same alien planet the Odinson feels that Freyja's dead and wants to go see her. Oh, shit, heads are about to roll.

-Tash Moore

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