Saturday, February 4, 2017

Comics Rant: All Star Batman #5

All Star Batman #5
Written by Scott Snyder
Pencils by John Romita Jr.
Inked by Danny Miki, Tom Palmer, Sandra Hope & Richard Friend
Colors by Dean White

Well, I'm not going to lie to any of you. I really had no damn clue as to what was going on in this issue of All Star Batman. I mean, I understood parts of it, but you know, the whole thing was really strange. I think Scott Snyder has traded bodies with Grant Morrison or Brian Michael Bendis, just said, "Fuck It," and just started sending scripts even if they are good or not. Then, he ran to the local bank to cash his check before anyone noticed just what the hell was going on.

Batman, Duke (I hate him), and Two Face are stuck on a boat while battling the (KG)Beast. He's been hired by Penguin and Black Mask to kill Batman and Two Face. Why? Cuz they don't need no why. They're the bad guys here, folks. Batman using his James Bond like gadgets to escape the boat, float aways while he throws a batarang to damage the steering mechanism. Oh, that Batman, he's always got something up his damn sleeve. Literally!

Batman, Duke (Ruke?), and Two Face float away with a stolen piece of fiberglass taken from the side of the boat in the form of a wheel and falls over a cliff! No worries, because Batman has a cape and that protects them.... somehow. Meanwhile, over at Wayne Manor, Two Face has something on the Mayor so Jim Gordon and the GCPD are at Wayne Manor tearing down the grandfather clock that leads to the bat cave.

Gordon knows he has to comply with his order or risks losing his job, so he makes a quick detour to tell Alfred to call Batman and tell him to get back ASAP or risk losing his secret ID. Alfred calls Bats and naturally, Batman wants to know just how all this shit went down and Alfred spills the beans that he once hired a killer to kill the Joker back when Batman first started out.

The funds Alfred uses were hacked by Two Face and used as leverage to gain access to the connection to Batman and Bruce Wayne. The Mayor of Gotham wants that info looked into thoroughly, as you can tell by the fact that homeboy sent the whole damn GCPD. Batman could make it back but he's too busy trying to cure Two Face with some ass backwards serum he's got hidden out at some retreat the two or them shared as kids. Boy, talk about shoehorning a fucking plot together.

Batman says, "To hell with it," and gives Two Face his cure which does.... nothing. It means Two Faces' two halves will continue to fight. Huh? Well that was a cop out. The high point of this was seeing John Romita Jr. draw Batman, but even that feels like ten years too late. The ending where Batman dresses up like KGBeast to scare Penguin and Black Mask was legit funny. All in all, lackluster, fam.

-Tash Moore

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